Fight

Ben.💔 You know, as a person who has struggled with mental illness and has sought out and fought for the support that gets me through each day, I will say that this video is not for those who are suffering: it’s for those of us who support those who are suffering. To help us watch for the signs and be the stubborn friend who won’t stop loving and listening and including, when it’s inconvenient or ugly or even offends us.

I love what this guy has to say because he demonstrates hope and one of the truest, hardest kinds of perserverance. I mean, 7 psych wards?? That’s determination. Personally, my self-esteem tanked after a week of just going to outpatient, doubting I’d ever get out of my tortured mental cycle, feeling like I deserved to be rejected and overlooked. Like I was less than a human being.

I wonder if his friends’ and family’s reactions to each admission went something like this:
Psych ward #1: Thank God he’s getting help!
#2: You know, he’s just so troubled. He needs another round to really make sure his therapy sticks.
#3: Oh, Lord, if they let him out this time, we’ll lose him.
#4: He needs to be in a permanent facility for his own protection.
#5-7: Ditto #4.

I know this was probably my most transparent overshare ever, but NOBODY WANTS TO TALK ABOUT THIS IN A PROACTIVE, PRODUCTIVE, TRULY CHARITABLE WAY. (Fertility treatment overshares are in a different category.) The juiciest gossip? Yes. Morbid curiosity? Yes. How many times have I been a part of hushed conversation where somebody is telling me that so-and-so started taking depression medication or has panic attacks, as if it’s a reflection of that person’s inability to cope with reality, and/or, even worse, a confirmation of the suspicions we’d had about whether or not they were “stable” all along. Oh, that one really burns me up. Just indulge me for a sentence: It's absolutely sickening to hear people say, after a tragedy occurs, whether it be suicide or a horrifying story on the news, "You know, I always wondered about that person." [insert accusatory, all-caps outrage here]

Everyone has a different story, different history, personality, genetics, the whole nine yards. For this guy, his mind became his worst enemy at age 17. If you do a simple search for some of the most common diagnoses (depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety, schizophrenia), the research states that onset commonly begins in late teens, early 20s. If you think a little harder, those stats reflect the results of RESEARCH, which doesn't deliver results in real time. Meaning, the fight really began long before the individual sought help. 

Perhaps only the closest "inner circle" of friends expressed concern in junior high but had no clue that the signs and symptoms of their friend reflected something darker, serious, potentially harmful. Parents and teachers may have chalked up certain behavioral changes to "being a teenager." A few years go by, and the no-longer-a-child has developed a new normal in regards to self-perception, inner dialogue and a perhaps begrudging acceptance of their own personality, which has been shaped in almost every way by their suffering. Finally, the research kicks in, and a physician can report statistics. But not until that person actually seeks help. 

My nonmedical, lay person conclusion: Research is nice, and all, but being brave enough and kind enough and straight up unselfish enough to listen to that little voice when it says, "Say hi," or "Smile," or "Ask them how it's going," to acquaintances, friends, FAMILY (that's the really tough one) of all ages, followed up by a healthy dose of shut-your-mouth listening and asking questions that can't be answered with 'yes' or 'no' can will forge a connection that person can't ignore. Do it on a regular basis, over and over, and the person struggling will be forced to question the voices that quickly jump from one dangerous conclusion to another:

1. People don't understand.

2. (Therefore) People don't care/notice.

3. (Therefore) I won't bother people with my problems.

4. (But maybe) Removing myself from the equation is the best plan.

5. (Then) Nobody has to worry about me at all.

Tack on some additional neurotransmitter malfunctions/imbalances, maybe a a few genetic factors, perhaps a history of abuse, and that inner dialogue can spiral downward even further... rewind to number 3.

3. (But) They should.

4. (Therefore) I should make them care/notice.

5. (So) The most effective way to make them care/notice is to make them know what this pain feels like.

I'll just stop there because I've probably already overstepped my self-appointed knowledge of the subject. Yes, I know how "rock bottom" feels. Yes, I've thought those thoughts, but I'm not a psychiatrist and everything I've said here are the emotional ramblings of your average human. Maybe not so average. Like, maybe a been-to-hell-and-back kind of human who still seeks and needs a village of support on a regular basis.

A few months ago, maybe a year, I wrote a long post on Facebook (pre-blog) after reading an article entitled, "What Would Really Happen if We Defunded Planned Parenthood." If you want to get me started, talk to me about the 2 things that lie right next to my heart like little electrodes. The mere mention of 1) Adoption and 2) Suicide will send a zing through my entire body and launch me in to an off-the-cuff tirade. That tirade might stay in my head, or, lucky for you, it might end up on my blog.

Soapbox take-away: For the love of the dignity of human life, take a cue from Michael Jackson and look first at the "man in the mirror," be humbled by your own, very real struggles, and then LISTEN to that little voice telling you to ask an open-ended question you might not want to hear the answer to.

More simply, if you ask a guy on a bridge to take your picture, don't confirm his suspicion that no one cares.

You are noticed.
You are loved,
You are powerful.

Yours,
Hannah